Love Wins, Hate Loses, and Life Goes On…

Notorious RBG is my hero!

Notorious RBG is my hero!










In the months leading up to this momentous day in history, I have engaged in an increasingly rancorous dialogue online debating marriage equality. Opponents of marriage equality, some of whom profess to be civil and respectful, escalated their political statements into personal attacks against me and my family calling me “sick,” “criminal” and likening me as a gay parent through surrogacy to a rapist, a human trafficker or a child abuser. This type of defamation enraged me, but Josh and some other wise souls helped me realize that what I was experiencing was the last, bitter, fitful and truly impotent gasps of a hateful movement sliding into the wrong side of history. I needed to disengage, because they couldn’t touch us, and our contented lives would go on regardless.

After the Supreme Court of the United States affirmed marriage equality in all 50 states this morning at 10 a.m., what was next? A co-worker congratulated me. I spoke with Josh on the phone and discussed what to pick up at the grocery store. I came home and put on my Ruth Bader Ginsburg t-shirt in celebration. The boys spent some time in the pool while the babies played with cars and balls on the patio. I will cook Shabbat dinner for our family, and we will be extra thankful for our blessings today. After we put all four kids to bed, Josh and I will probably crack open a bottle of wine and share a toast. Our lives will go on largely unchanged, but maybe someday soon, we will get legally married and add an extra sheen of dignity to our already happy lives.

What’s next for the hateful opponents of marriage equality? Many of them were howling on Twitter about what they saw as an injustice today, but it didn’t appear that many people were listening or responding. I imagine that their lives will go on, too. The fact that their LGBT neighbors will be permitted to marry will have no bearing on their lives whatsoever. It won’t touch them. Many of them will realize that society did not crumble because of marriage equality like they predicted it would. Some of them may live long enough to read in the history books about their shameful movement and feel a twinge of guilt for having been a part of it. Even if they never come to this wisdom, I will try not to be resentful toward them. People who choose to waste so much time and energy fussing about other people’s lives and not their own deserve pity, not hate.

4 thoughts on “Love Wins, Hate Loses, and Life Goes On…

  1. Brilliantly thought out and perfectly written. You are truly blessed with a mind trained to help and heal human beings, plus love in your heart for your mate and beautiful children. Those remote online detractors lack your respect for humanity.
    Keep the faith, my nephews.

  2. I can tell you from personal experience that what’s just happened is monumental (in a practical, everyday sense.) I was in Spain when gay marriage was legalized years ago, and now I’m in France where it was legalized recently.
    The before and after is dramatic. Suddenly they have nothing to hide behind. The problem before was that homophobia could be masked by 1001 excuses. The word marriage, the trauma we’d cause the children with all those pretty flower arrangements in shiny vases, how our Mies van der Rohe Barcelona chairs were a risk to babies because of the sharp edges…
    The marriage affair puts an end to all of that. They can’t make money on it through fundraising anymore, they can’t use it as a political football- and that’s a huge part of the issue: exploitation by opportunists. Some very hateful people remain, but in a world that’s not very interested in listening to their crazy-talk.
    Both in Spain and now in France, in less than a year, homophobia became absolutely unacceptable. In fact, I’d say we’re treated especially well, because the anti-gay crowd was so vile, everyone else has tried to compensate for it.
    When we got married last year, everyone at the town hall wanted to participate. The mayor performed the ceremony, one of the witnesses was the deputy mayor. They even organized a champagne breakfast for us (and paid for it). And I’m talking about middle-of-nowhere rural France.

    All that said, our job isn’t over. Extremist communities still exist and we’ve got to make sure lgbt children born into them have people they can reach out to.
    But meanwhile, enjoy the victory 😉

  3. Thank you. I wholeheartedly hope that the same cultural changes that have happened in Spain and France come to pass in the US as well.

    I also agree that the work isn’t done. We can’t stop until LGBT people are treated fairly around the world. I find the shift in conservative focus toward trans issues and children troubling. The conservatives have always wrongly accused the gays of “recruiting” but it seems the reverse is true. I have to balance my desire to fight for equality with my duty to protect my children (while they are young) from these people with sinister intentions.

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